You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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