im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
