i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
