Are we in a gay sports bar?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
