I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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