My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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