is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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