end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
