He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
