Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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