she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
