I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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