just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
