Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Sober January is a disaster.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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