my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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