Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
