i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
