I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
