in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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