I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
