Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
