If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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