Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
