Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
