all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize