I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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