I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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