last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize