i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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