Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
