every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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