Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
