I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
