Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
