Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
