I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
