MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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