remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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