My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
