I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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