Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
