I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
