My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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