Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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