Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
