in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
