Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
