She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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