I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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