So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
