This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
