New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just pee around me
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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