There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
