Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
