im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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