Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
