i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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