Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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