She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
