What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
