I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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