So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
