He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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