dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
