I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
