The maid of honor just puked.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
